I am changing…
It recently occurred to me in a dream that my life isn’t how I expected it to turn out. I sometimes walk around in my waking life and feel detached as if it is all just a fantasy gone horribly wrong. Then I snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for myself and go about my usual stream of daily activities.
I was enlightened today by a friend of mine. I was informed due to my own lack of tack that I am a hypocrite. To an extent it is true, I guess. I advise people to live in the moment and be happy. To steer themselves away from unnecessary negativity, be that friends, lovers, jobs, family. But somehow I seem to constantly find myself in those situations with no hopes of ever resolving the real issues, the reason the issue exists. After evaluating my own situation out loud with them, I have come to realize that I am not truly a hypocrite, I am a settler. I would rather stay in a mediocre situation than venture out into the unknown. I have fear of being left behind, left out, and left in general. I worry about everything. My boyfriend not loving me, my brother moving somewhere and me never seeing him again. Waking up and not being able to call my mother or grandmother for advice, that I won’t follow. But the point is that they are here now, but will they continue being here tomorrow? I worry about people dying next week, today, this minute. Someone once told me that we begin dying the moment we are born. So why do I feel a sense of panic whenever I am left to my own thoughts on this subject? It all boils down to the need to be wanted and accepted. Try as I might, to not care what others think of me, at the end of the day my feelings are hurt even if I pretend that they are not.
Why I am eyore at times and piglet at others. I just wish sometimes I could be pooh.