Almost a month ago, shortly after beginning my exercise challenge, I hit a low in my life. I realised at that moment I had no joy inside myself and was flailing around being angry at everyone else for their joy and apparent calmness in general. I was angry, tired, empty, demoralised and holding onto this like a life raft.
I couldn’t let it go. If I let it go, who would I be, where would I go from there, who would I become? I’ve tried (not whole heartedly) several times over the course of the last two years to get rid of these feelings, but have never successfully achieved my goal. I had many excuses and “valid” reasons (in my mind; that were not logically valid and really were just fear holding me back) for not being successful.
Our minds are such a maleable thing, but in order to get the mind on a positive track we have to work at, internally, daily, hourly, minute by minute. Every breath in we have to be thankful for being alive and stand in awe of the beautiful world around us, seeing through all the garbage. But how do you begin to work inside your mind? Meditation. Sounds fairly simple right? Sit down, focus on your breath, rid yourself of your demons of negative emotional habitual response.
For me, that is terrifying. Looking at my life and my past choices and owning them and forgiving myself for them and learning from them. Even the idea of meditating seemed daunting and exhausting. The idea of sitting and looking at myself on the inside sounded dull and boring. I started to do it anyway.
Finding an amazing app, Calm, I began a 7 days to calm program. I found myself really enjoying that quiet time. I didn’t have an agenda or any expectation of it working. But after a week, I felt a slight bit more at peace and better able to notice my anger and calm down faster or not blow up at all. Then I started the follow up program 21 days to calm and have continued noticing a difference in how I feel over all. Tomorrow is the last day of that program and I will begin the 7 days of a good night sleep. I’m looking forward to that and to my daily meditation in general. I enjoy the guided setup of the app, as well as the option to just listen to soothing melodies and sounds with no guide.
I’m still not expecting this to be an overnight ot over month fix, but I know with repetition, I will find calm and content.
How do you meditate? What works for you?
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