Changes in a Life

I wonder sometimes how people change themselves, I mean really change themselves. How do we become these complex individuals, with all these seemingly complex issues? Life is really only as complicated as we make it. I think for the longest time I was looking for someone to spend my life with as a partner, when all I really need right now is best friend. I found that person, but its so hard to seperate the need to be involved with them in other ways. I get dissalusioned into thinking that it could be more than what we have. I don’t think I can really be with anyone until I have learned to be happy with myself, and become less selfish and more positive with my life. At work, I am happy and helpful and cheerful to the point that I think it drives some of my coworkers a little crazy, but how do I carry that over into my non working life. I have passions, at least I think I do. I just can’t think of what any are. I’m so focused on paying off these loans, and not owing money to people. I get so overwhelmed with wondering what to do with my life, then I get sidetracked and end up doing nothing. Who am I really? What is it that I love to do? How can I combine those things to make a living and be happy? I am going to try to answer these questions over the next year. I’ve come a long way from that sad little girl I was, and still to some extent am. Maybe eventually it will all make sense.

Dependancy and Being CoDependant

So a funny thing happened to me today… my bestfriend informed me of the simple truth… I am a codependant… Well I guess I should explain… I have a tendency to lean on people I come to care about… I depend on them for certain things… opinions, attention, support, love… but I guess he is right in a sense I shouldn’t do that, I should just go back to being independent… which for me is much safer in the long run anyway… I just guess I was trying to include someone in my life more than they really wanted to be included.. I wonder if that really is a bad thing?

My lastest adventure

So… we made it back to Vermont about 2 weeks ago just to turn around and drive down to Florida for the Winter…. It was a really neat road trip, J and I switched up driving the trip, we made three stops on the way… my mom’s bestfriends house in Hagerstown, my mom’s house in Burnsville, and my rainbow sister’s house in Lake City. Finally 3 days after starting our adventure we made it to Tampa. I’m staying with a couple who are both friends of mine, and they gave me my own space to turn into a room… I think I did a good job… I’ll post a pic eventually…maybe. So I’ve been moping around the house for the past week trying to get a job… I finally got one last week, my roommate and I both got the job, we did it for one nite and I’m not sure that we’ll be going back, but we have to go get our stuff out of our locker….I’ll talk to her about it later… Then I had an interview yesterday (wednesday) and was told I would hear something back by Sunday. I also had an interview today (thursday) and didn’t think it went very well, but boy was I wrong. I was called back about an hour after my interview and hired!! I start Saturday nite, I’m gonna work out the details of how I’m getting there, but I can take the bus there for sure and then probably take a cab home if I get off later than 9p… which I probably will. I’m psyched though! I also started playing GW again, which I haven’t done in a while, and made a friend…which was really cool too… Well J is still up in canada with his folks… I kinda miss hanging out with him… but I guess thats okay… so anyway I’m going back to video games…

The horrors of living in the city…

So my dad called me a few weeks ago and needed me to come out to Milwaukee to help out at the restaraunt. So Jaimie and I packed up my car and left 5 days after the call, and have been here since. Today is my friend Patrick’s 40th birthday!! I can’t believe how time flys by, time is a funny thing. One day you are 16 the next you are almost 30. And it just keeps on ticking. So back to this horrible city we are in. My downstairs neighbors decided to get into a huge yelling and throwing things outside match today. I called the police and within 5 minutes they arrived to exstinquish the caos below. I do not like this place. My brother’s truck was broken into a week and a half ago, stupid people, can’t keep there hands off other peoples things. I just don’t understand it. I think people used to amaze me, now nothing surprises me. Jaimie asked me the other day what I do when people are sad. He clarified it to mean when people walk around in permanent sadness. I don’t think my response was satisfactory to him. I told him, I just don’t bother trying to make people anything more than what they are anymore. Then he said well what about people you really care about. I just shrugged and said they can figure it out on there own, if they want help, I would help, but I’m still to absorbed in trying to get myself to happy, I can’t even start to help others. Anyway, this city just brings out the worst in people I think. Its a horrible, negative place, as most cities are…

Life in the Unknown

So lets see…

I finally relocated to this rural town in Vermont known as South Royalton. It is small and quiet and I like it. My friend Tasha drove with me out here to bring some of my stuff, and she left 5 minutes after arriving, she didn’t like it. Life goes on, what can you do really. You can’t make people embrace less than what they are accustom to. I arrived on the 16th and have found out more about myself and my abilities in a week and a half than I have in the last 4 years. Isn’t that the way it goes sometimes?

Countdown to Freedom

I am getting ready to go to work (Joy 🙁 ) I am counting the days till I can leave this place… I think today there are only 34 days to go, maybe its 33, I have to check the calendar. I am contemplating how I am going to get all my stuff up to Vermont in one swift motion. I think maybe I need to get rid of more stuff, tomorrow or Sunday, I will tackle that project. I only have two more weeks in this stupid apartment, then I am free from this particular agony and only a couple of short weeks later, I am leaving my job and moving to the wild unknown (literally). I am so excited!!

Silence of Night

I sit here in my office/study wondering what tomorrow will bring… I am so excited to be moving somewhere new, to a place that I hope will bring me closer to peace. I have been at war inside myself for so long for no reason other than boredom it seems. I am so very grateful to those who have helped me grow into this woman I have become, and thankful to those who have stuck by my side through my darkest moments. For those I have lost touch with I carry a piece of you in my soul always, and for those who remain in the spotlight of my life, even when your light seems to dim, I know you are there and for that I am grateful too. I just hope that all of my family, chosen family and friends know that I wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t for each of you… and that makes me smile.

Sleep Deprivation

This week seems to be crawling by at such a marvelously fast pace that I can hardly stop to smell the flowers. I just finished my second open to close shift since Saturday and am looking forward to maybe getting off work earlier tomorrow to come home and pass out. I’ve been packing my apartment up like a mad woman, discarding things that I can no longer bear to hold on to, like dish sets YIKES!!!
I spent quite some time deliberating how many towels one should in fact own. After coaxing my roommate into a discussion on said topic, I have come to the determination that it is in fact crucial that one should have in ones own possession no less that two sets and the maximum being three. One might find ones self asking the perplexing question how did we come to such a specific number, and I do have the very answer as described below:
The first set (a set being two as one might already have determined) should be the pair that hang in the bathroom eager with anticipation of being wrapped warmly around a sopping wet body. The second set should be in the closet, neatly folded for one to replace previous bathroom towels that have been used and have since turned wet and smelly. Finally the third set that is really left to the owners choice and can be done without, that is the set that may be found already occupying the dryer awaiting the folding table and could be considered the “limbo” towels. And that is all I have to say on the matter of towels!

Happy Birthday… The contemplation of getting older

                                        I turned 27 last Thursday (May 17th).  Hooray for me!  It simply amazes me how far I have come in what seemed like the blink of an eye.  I feel like a child in so many ways still, but the experiences I have been subject to have caused me to grow up too quickly in others.  Sometimes I wish I could take back mean things I have said to people, I want to be a more caring person.  It is hard for me since I look around this place I live in and see so much insincerity and laziness.  I don't want to be part of this society that I have been living in to for so long, everyday I feel it trying to suck a little piece of me away... I just want to find peace and happiness and quietness somewhere.  I think that may be soon though, I hope.  Turning 27 doesn't feel any different,  I feel the same as I did when I turned 17. <br /><br />One of my friends asked my mother a question the other day, which she shared with me shortly after, it was: "why haven't your children gotten married and had children of their own yet?"  she smiled and simply replied "because they are smart, and enjoying the freedom to travel and see the world and find themselves first." <br /><br />For so long I have said that I lack the desire to have children or marry, and I used to think it was more about my selfishness and vanity, the reason that is.  But truthfully I think it is deeper than that, I look around me at the society that people have created and think "why would I want to subject another living being to that? Especially without them being able to have a choice in the matter."  I also think it is because I look at people that I've dated or been involved with and couldn't possibly imagine having offspring with them for one reason or another, but mostly it was things like stupidity, physical defects, and family history of random diseases.  If I were to have childrean I would want them to have the best chance possible at being amazing human beings.<br /><br />I feel this aching inside me to leave this place, thankfully that will be finally happening in 40 days!  Everyday I wake up and go to work and mimick those around me and get through my day.  I feel like a robot.  I can't wait to taste the freedom of not having to do those things anymore, to grow things and build things and breath the fresh air around me.  Working somewhere I am required to socialize is very trying on me.  My friend posed a rhetorical question to me today "You really don't like being social do you?" and I laughed and replied " you know me so well!"  I have been pretending to be a socialite for so long because it was the only way I thought I would be accepted, but I've finally made the decision that I no longer care if I am accepted, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness.  Happiness to me is laying under a tree reading a book in the forest or in an empty field, or just laying in the sunshine napping while the rays warm my skin, listening to the quiet sounds of nature around me at night while laying under a vast sky of white twinkling stars.  Can I find this place some day?  Goodnite.

Thoughts of you

            <img src="http://x.myspace.com/images/blog/moods//contemplative.gif" align="absmiddle" /><br /><a href="http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.viewCategory&amp;FriendID=4232562&amp;BlogCategoryID=25"><br /></a>                              </p>                                            <p>I miss the things we used to do, the smile on your face.</p> <p>The things I'd do to hear your voice, filled with love, not with hate.</p> <p>The things I remember from yesterday they seem so far from here</p> <p>Only hoping things will change and bring a better year.</p> <p>I can't express the way I feel for you outside my head</p> <p>Being so emotionless, sometimes I  feel so dead</p> <p>Help me understand your ways, a closeness to you I would desire.</p> <p>But you won't move on from that place you stay, leaving your hand inside the fire.</p> <p>I cannot help you to forget, but I can help you to forgive</p> <p>me, yourself and those from your past, since that is the only way to live</p> <p>I have had an experience comparable to what you recently endured</p> <p>Take comfort in my arms, you don't have to forget those you love, I learned that the only way to move on is to celebrate the little time you were granted and take from that and learn and grow but give new love its chances.